There comes a time in every adult’s life, we begin to see the necessity for setting boundaries. Many times this realization stems from some type of crisis. Perhaps our boss or friend is asking too much of us. Maybe we feel like our partner is not pulling their weight in our relationship. As children, the structure of our lives was provided for us. What we were allowed to do, where we were allowed to go, and how we were supposed to act. When we’re older, we are in situations with people who may have grown up in very different ways. Consequently, our ideas of what constitutes a healthy relationship can look different from our coworkers or intimate partner.
Setting healthy boundaries in our relationships, start with us. Therefore it’s important we take the time to examine what we desire and need from other people. Once that has been established, we need to find the courage to speak up.
Below are 9 ways to set healthy boundaries in our relationships.
Practice radical honesty
“Honesty is more than not lying. It is truth telling, truth speaking, truth living, and truth loving.”
Whether we are entering a new relationship, starting a new job, or exploring a new friendship – understanding our desires and dealbreakers is key. Therefore, getting honest with ourselves about what we will and won’t accept is the first step to setting healthy boundaries. Practicing radical honesty provides emotional safety for ourselves, as well as the people we are interacting with. When we confidently communicate our truth to others, they will respect us for providing that foundation.
Have confidence in your worth
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
A big part of being successful in setting healthy boundaries in relationships is recognizing your own worth. When we feel we deserve good treatment and to be listened to, we act from that place. Additionally, if we are not secure, when people we care about cross our boundaries, we may not feel strong enough to discuss it. It is important to develop a strong sense of self-worth in order to build the kind of relationships that will respect healthy boundaries.
Allow others to be themselves
“We see the world not as it is, but as we are.”
Another essential aspect of setting healthy boundaries in our relationships is allowing others to be themselves. Attempting to control is something we do when we feel out of control. Although it is difficult to quash the expectations we have of others, it is something we can practice. For that reason, observing their behavior and deciding within ourselves how we want to react, is much more powerful. When we give people the freedom to be who they are, relationships can flourish.
Give the benefit of the doubt
“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”
In many ways, our past traumas can prevent us from setting healthy boundaries. Oftentimes it can cause us to constantly be on guard. But if we expect people to fail us, they can feel it. Think about a time when someone didn’t believe in you. Did it spur you to do your best? Giving people in our lives the benefit of the doubt opens up our minds to look for good things. We don’t have to worry about what will happen if they hurt us, because our boundaries are firmly in place.
Be a good listener
“There’s a lot of difference between listening and hearing.”
Part of living a life where our boundaries are respected is listening to others. Consider making it a part of your life to repeat back to people: “What I hear you saying is…” Doing this will make your boss, friend, or partner feel heard, and communicate you care what they are saying. Accordingly, this will make it easier for you to set healthy boundaries with others. People will feel safe hearing your desires when they feel you listen to them.
Monitor your triggers
“Be grateful for triggers, they point where you are not free.”
It is easy to exist in relationships when everything is going well. But conflict is part of everyday life. For instance, if we have an abandonment trigger, it may cause us to not speak up for fear of being left. Or, it might cause us to try and control others. Accordingly, it is vital to learn the steps of recognizing and mitigating our triggers. When we do this, we will be able to recognize behaviors that threaten the healthy boundaries we have established.
Allow space
“The more we trust, the farther we are able to venture.”
It might seem ironic to talk about space when we are contemplating ways to set healthy boundaries. Yet, part of establishing safety in all relationships is communicating you trust someone. When we give people space to show us who they are, and to be themselves, magic can happen. Your partner or employee will not feel constrained. They will feel empowered and more confident. Subsequently, they will develop a tolerance for you taking your own space.
Be consistent
“Consistency is the glue that holds love together.”
The most effective way of teaching someone anything is through repetition. When we can depend on something, it becomes engrained in us. Therefore, an elemental part of setting healthy boundaries in our relationships is by being consistent with them. If we are wishy-washy or allow our fears and insecurities to rule our behaviors, it weakens our word and introduces opportunities for disrespect. Loving ourselves means being consistent as much as we can.
Express your emotions
“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.”
It will not always be easy to talk about our feelings. Nevertheless, the very practice of being vulnerable and seeing who will allow it provides data to navigate our lives. Who are the people who respect you? What are the situations you can thrive in? Foundationally, for our most authentic life, we have to find the courage to express our emotions when setting healthy boundaries. Doing so helps us to cherish the people who will respect us, and weed out those who cannot.
In summary, it is our responsibility to set healthy boundaries in our relationships. It’s also important to know we deserve to feel comfortable asserting what we need! Although it is not always easy, we should take note of the people or situations that are uncomfortable when we communicate our needs. By modeling what we want for ourselves, we can invite others to do the same. If we do this, we will experience more peace and less anxiety in our day-to-day interactions. In a similar fashion, the significant people in our lives will feel they know where they stand with us. Freedom and authenticity begin with setting healthy boundaries.