6 Reluctant Lessons Grief Can Teach Us

 

We are all experts in our own suffering. Ask anyone who has experienced loss and they might tell you their particular aloneness is a richly woven, custom-designed kind of agony. One size does not fit all. With the darkness of another winter season approaching, the twinkle of holiday decorations appearing, and yet another year looming, grief for some is a steadfast companion. Whether it is missing something we desperately want back, or pining for something we never had, finding hope in a new year can feel a daunting dream. 

 

And yet, when we allow the emotions we feel deep inside, even the scary ones, to be present, we honor them. When we elect to not push them away, and are intentional about giving them space, unexpected and spectacular lessons can be learned. The wisdom of allowing grief to do its work is a practice capable of stitching a lining of peace around our everyday and even bringing moments of profound relief.   

 

Before diving in to how we can learn from exquisite pain, it is fair to acknowledge that grief often feels like a tyrannical teacher. To be its student demands we examine things we may not want to see. It feels a little like being a soldier on a great quest. Embarking on a hope-hunt deep in a dark and troubling forest where isolation and nightmares are part of the excursion. Indeed, traversing grief’s path and coming out on the other side can be a battle of sorts. But we do well to remember that the things we learn bring comfort and wisdom and really will be worth it in the end. 

 

Reasons You Might Be Emerging Into A New Year Feeling Grief:

  • Your social awkwardness makes you feel an outcast
  • You’re single when all you’ve ever wanted is a relationship
  • You are experiencing severe financial distress
  • You feel trapped in a loveless relationship
  • You have a chronic health condition
  • You’re trying to move on from a breakup 
  • Your friends have betrayed you
  • You’ve lost someone close to you
  • You’ve lost multiple people close to you
  • You have a diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or other mental health condition 
  • You recently left an abusive situation
  • You are trying to leave an abusive situation 
  • You’ve left home for the first time 
  • You are battling an addiction
  • You made a mistake and are living with the consequences 
  • You have not processed traumatic events from your past
  • You hate your job
  • You have a secret that is burdensome to carry
  • Fill in the blank

 

Though we do not get to choose when our unwelcome journeys begin, grief touches nearly everyone at some point. Once the initial shock begins to fade, in time, sorrow reveals to us valuable growth opportunities. The following are six lessons we can reluctantly learn from grief.

  

1) Grief removes distractions

It is easy to get caught up in a cycle of non-reflection. Especially when things are going well. Feeling happy, busy, loved, or lucky typically convinces us that all is well with the world and that we must be doing something right. It is not until grief strikes that we are hurtled into the throes of reflection. It feels like a great qualifier. Painful as this heartache is, the overwhelming pain we feel is a necessary slow-motioner. The albatross hanging from our neck causes daily tasks to become burdensome, slowing us down and allowing painful thoughts to flood in. Our psyche needs this time to process and order information, to try to make sense of the emotional chaos. Unpleasant as it might be – knowing this process is needful can help us change our perspective on why we feel the way we do. 

2) Grief shines a bright light 

When we are in constant motion, flying high in life, it is easier to ignore negative emotions hiding beneath the surface. Why dwell on such unpleasantness? Yet stuffing big emotions, not giving time for sorrow, or habitually not listening to our inner voice, always ends with blocks in our consciousness. Grief is an effective drill sergeant. The beat of its drum hijacks the rhythm of our days. If we practice taking time to listen, and have courage, despite how tormented we feel, messages we need will bubble up.  

3) Grief develops our humility

There isn’t a lot of talk these days for the pursuit of humility. When we are in misery, why might we care about being humble anyway? And yet, tragedy or chronic events that cause acute pain make us feel raw. One look or word from someone can invoke a waterfall of tears. In general, most humans like to avoid this phenomenon. But humility around the loss of our regulation help us develop deep compassion for ourselves. We feel a release when we admit we do not have it all under control. In turn, we become uniquely adept at sensing grief in others and affording them the same compassion.

4) Grief reminds us of our humanness

Feeling alone in grieving feels akin to being dropped into a barren wasteland. Or maybe, it’s like having a forceful home contractor. The universe’s professional comes in and knocks down the walls and everything built around us. All the scaffolding erected over the years, some not even chosen for us, is stripped away. We experience our emotional foundation being ripped from beneath our feet. But in that upheaval, after the dust settles, we are gifted with space and air. The remnants of loneliness, anguish, and uncertainty, when tended to properly, morph into exquisite clarity the deepest and most profound desires of our hearts. From this rubble emerges our unique form of humanness, communicating to us how we want to live the rest of our lives.

5) Grief invites us to lean on others 

In the absence of believing our desolation will not be alleviated any time soon, we find ourselves acutely lonely when we are grieving. Whether we don’t feel like we fit in, are perpetually single, our world has been shattered by an irrevocable loss, we’re battling addiction, we are developing the courage to leave a situation we no longer want to be in, whatever the situation, grieving takes our hand and says – Hey, it’s you and me, kid. But is during these times that unexpected people or resources turn into lifelines we never would have predicted. In these times we can seek out a therapist, community grief support groups, other people we know who have experienced loss, friends or family we may have not connected with in a long time. It is good to allow others to tend to us when it is needed.

6) Greif  teaches us we have everything we need, right now

In the aftermath of whatever caused our despair, if we can manage to set one foot in front of the other, drink a little water, and make ourselves eat. Eventually, wondrous things begin to happen. Small moments become the biggest ones. That dapple of sunlight streaming in through a window. Feeling a breeze on our face when we walk outside. The comfort of a heavy blanket when we are buried beneath it. The silliness and tenderness of our pet might lift us from our despondency. During the holidays, we might tell people we don’t want presents. Because we know that presence is more important that anything material anyway. It is in these times we begin to realize the love inside of us is what really matters. And life is beautiful in whatever form it comes to us.

 

In conclusion, when we are in abject despair even an article such as this can be too much to bear. We balk at the idea that the agony we suffer could be teaching us anything. That lessons such as these might not be needful at all.

At whatever point you are on, in your grieving journey, just know that is okay. And for those of us that have fought through our own lair of despair, we wish to send an invitation of softness to you. An encouragement to treat yourself with the utmost kindness.

To recognize holidays and New Years and festive cheers can be trigger traps. But we can take a moment to stop. To breathe. Or to cry. And we can keep doing the best we can, for however long it takes. Until one day, things will seem a little brighter. We will feel lighter. And grief’s morose and frightening song will have lyrics we will have grown wiser from.