7 steps to beat perfectionism and lean into your inherent amazingness
As an adult, there are many instances when we question what we should do or how we should act. For those lucky enough to have trusted mentors, friends, or family members, obtaining sound advice might be readily available. But for each of us, at some point, a day comes when we won’t have someone to turn to or we deeply feel we must make an important decision all by ourselves. Having the gift of self-trust is a vital skill that influences how we navigate challenges and pursue our goals. At its core, self-trust is about believing in our ability to handle life’s ups and downs. Understanding that perfection is not a real thing. And feeling compassion for ourselves while we learn, grow, and make mistakes.
Meanwhile, the antithesis of trusting ourselves is perfectionism. A relentless drive to achieve flawlessness and live most of our emotional experience in our head, instead of authentically in the present. By understanding the importance of self-trust and learning how to address perfectionism, we can discover the delicious bliss of loving ourselves better and overcoming unrealistic expectations.
Who Told You That Story?
A significant part of self-trust can be traced back to our earliest experiences with caregivers. From the moment we are born, we begin forming attachment bonds. These connections shape how we perceive ourselves and the world around us. Those early relationships—whether nurturing or neglectful—create the foundation for how we develop trust in our abilities. If caregivers are inconsistent, unresponsive, or unavailable, it leads to deep-rooted self-doubt. These early experiences go on to influence how we view ourselves in adulthood. In addition, factors like cultural expectations and the pressure of social media can exacerbate insecurity. Society often equates worth with achievement, appearance, or success. Thus, intensifying the anxiety many feel about being “good enough.” Thus, our sense of self-trust is influenced not just by our childhood experiences, but by the broader cultural narratives that surround us.
7 Steps to Rediscover Your Amazingness
Reframe Mistakes
When the feeling of perfectionism raises its bossy head, we can do well to remember that inadequacy thrives on causing us to fear failure, making errors, or merely having any personal flaws. To counter this, we can ask ourselves – who told us that story? And does it serve me in this instance? We intellectually understand that feeling shame or unworthiness does not typically help us succeed. Therefore, we may deliberately and with intention, reframe mistakes as opportunities for growth. We can decide to rule against the notion mistakes are evidence of inadequacy. When we make errors, (and psst, you will!) practicing self-compassion is crucial. We can remind ourselves that mistakes are a natural part of being human and that each misstep is a stepping stone toward learning all the time.
Set Realistic Expectations
If our daily experiences were more like Disney movies, magic and luck would play the biggest role in dictating how things turn out. But in the real world living our best lives means ONLY doing the best we can each day. And giving ourselves grace when our humanity is on full display. Perfectionism stems from setting excessively high standards that are not realistic. While ambition can be motivating, unrealistic goals are a recipe for disappointment, self-doubt, and needless suffering. Instead, we can break larger goals into manageable steps and celebrate incremental progress. We can also choose to carefully curate whose opinion we listen to in our lives. Here is an easy clarifier to determine if a person is healthy to have around – do they allow and celebrate me – being me?
Recognize Triggers
Perfectionism often operates on autopilot, fueled by unexamined beliefs about worth and achievement. Cultivating self-awareness allows us to recognize and challenge these patterns. For instance, instituting a routine of journaling, breathwork, or therapy can help uncover the underlying origins of our lack of self-trust. A special note that doing trigger work can be very intense and is best navigated with a competent, caring mental health therapist. Yet, although difficult, digging to the roots of our insecurities and understanding our triggers enables us to anticipate situations where we might struggle with self-trust and prepare to respond differently.
Embrace the Power of “No”
Embracing the power of “no” is a vital aspect of building self-trust. Trusting ourselves means setting boundaries to protect our time and energy. Perfectionists often fear that saying “no” will disappoint others or reflect inadequacy, leading them to overcommit. However, overextending ourselves can result in burnout and weaken our self-worth even more. By learning to say no to tasks or responsibilities that don’t align with our priorities, we affirm our commitment to our well-being. It’s also important to surround ourselves with people, including family, who support our efforts to cultivate self-trust. This means distancing ourselves from individuals who may undermine our boundaries, create unnecessary pressure, or manipulate us into feeling guilty. Doing so allows us to prioritize our own needs and maintain a strong sense of self.
Practice Self-Validation
Cultivating trust in ourselves means valuing our own opinions and experiences, even when they don’t align with external approval. This starts by gently acknowledging what feels authentic to us. If we’ve never done it, that step can take a little while to do. Something that helps is taking moments to pause and reflect on our decisions, and notice what feels right in our core. Once we notice, sitting with it without judgment or assigning it meaning. Over time, we will become more attuned to the subtle cues that guide us, learn to trust our instincts, and trust ourselves more deeply. By affirming our efforts, however small or imperfect, we shift the focus inward and build self-validation that strengthens our ability to rely on ourselves. This practice doesn’t require grand gestures, but a steady, kind attention to our inner wisdom and needs.
Take Action Despite Fear
Fear of imperfection paralyzes us and prevents us from pursuing opportunities. To build self-trust we often must take action, even when uncertainty looms. Yes, fake it till you make it. Starting small, such as sharing an idea in a meeting or trying a new hobby, makes a significant difference in our confidence. Each act of courage, no matter how minor, then holding space for emotions coming up after being brave, strengthens our belief in our ability to handle challenges. Cultivating self-trust is more attainable when we have emotionally safe people around us that cheer us on. These individuals offer encouragement when fear holds us back. Their support helps push us through moments of self-doubt and reminds us we are not alone. With, at least one, strong, securely attached person close to us, we can take risks with more confidence.
Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Perfectionism blinds us to our achievements, focusing instead on what is lacking. To counter this, we can intentionally acknowledge our progress, no matter how small. Keeping a journal of wins, noting moments of growth, or simply reflecting on how we feel can help us recognize our efforts. Paying attention to how our bodies respond, whether we feel more relaxed, energized, or confident, offer subtle but powerful ways to track progress. We can also practice mindful breathing or check in with our physical sensations, noticing how they shift as we grow. Celebrating progress, whether through quiet reflection or a moment of gratitude, strengthens our self-trust and nurtures a deeper belief in our ability to grow and improve.
Go Forth For You
Cultivating self-trust is a gentle, ongoing process that flourishes with patience and self-compassion. It’s about embracing imperfections with kindness, learning to trust our instincts, and allowing ourselves to grow. As we let go of the need for perfection and honor our progress, no matter how small, we create space for self-belief to blossom. By surrounding ourselves with those who support our growth, setting healthy boundaries, and celebrating our unique path, we trust ourselves more fully. Over time, these practices will nurture a deep connection to who we are and what we truly need. Self-trust is not something we achieve once and for all, rather, it is a steady journey that invites us to be present, grow with grace, and embrace the bliss of knowing we are always enough.