Adulting. No one told us how difficult growing up could be. Perhaps many of us thought by the time we got here we would have it all figured out. Yet relationships can be one of the most confusing things to navigate. Not only our relationships with others but with ourselves. We may wonder if we are doing it right. Perhaps we feel guilty we are not. Sometimes we might experience resentment because we are always trying to please others. Between family, work, significant others, children, and friends- making the best choices can feel elusive. The truth is, maturing means understanding there is much more nuance in life’s circumstances than in childhood. The following is a 4 step guide to better decision-making in relationships.
1. Know Thyself
“Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look.”― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
What do people mean when they encourage you to know yourself? How does knowing yourself guide us to better decision-making in relationships?
As humans, we are influenced by many things as we learn and grow. For instance, our home atmosphere plays a vital role in shaping who we think we are. From a young age, we are conditioned by our caregivers to trust our instincts when drawing conclusions, or otherwise. Depending on what happened, we will carry these beliefs into our adult relationships.
Therefore some of us will find it easy to think for ourselves. While others might find relationships with stronger or more controlling personalities persons to make the decisions for us. To be clear, we may not recognize we are allowing others to control our determinations. Because when we are people-pleasing we often label those behaviors as something else. For example, being loving, supportive, or a “good” friend, employee, partner, or parent can look like good decision-making in relationships. And they can be! But only if those qualities do not compromise our own well-being.
In order to make conclusions from an authentic place, we must take the time to find out who we truly are. What do we value? How do we want to spend our time? Which goals are the most important? When we do this, it might be surprising to learn how many people feel threatened by our sovereignty.
Yet. just as exercise for the body requires work, discipline, and persistence, so does knowing our hearts and minds. Learning to divorce our wants, desires, and passions from others expectations of us, will help us with better decision-making in our relationships.
2. Be Alone
“Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.”― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Why is it important to spend time alone? How does learning to tolerate solitude guide us to better decision-making in relationships?
Life can throw many different situations at us. Some joyful, some supremely stressful. It is natural to want to share times of happiness with those we love. It is also understandable that when times are rough we want support, guidance, or a shoulder to cry on. However, loneliness and being alone can sometimes teach us the greatest lessons about who we are, as well as help us with better decision-making in relationships.
Yet many people choose to spend much of their lives staying frantically busy. Moreover, they feel uncomfortable spending time alone. We may have all experienced periods in our lives where solitude brought up panic or deeply unsettling feelings. Wisdom teaches us that no feelings are “bad”.It helps to admit to ourselves processing negative feelings is just a really hard thing to do.
Nevertheless, when we free ourselves from noise and distractions, and other people’s emotions, what we want for our lives crystalizes for us.Of course, there will be times you will need to take other people’s needs into account. But resisting acting on auto-pilot and forgetting to include ourselves in big decisions is crucial for long-term happiness.
Activities such as meditation, yoga, nature, a quiet solo hobby, journaling or just sitting reflectively can help us tap into our inner voice. Accessing our heart’s dialogue will give us strength and courage to make decisions that are in our best interest. It will act as a guide to better decision-making in our relationships, as well as all decisions in our life.
3. Accept Life
“When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love …” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
What does it mean to accept life? In what way does accepting life guide us to better decision-making in relationships?
They say that life happens when you are making plans. Meaning – there will be many things beyond our control. We may believe we know who we are when we leave home. However, one day we wake up in bigger bodies and realize we have been making judgments about our future based on reasonings someone else taught us. Or, something happens to change our worldview.
It can be profoundly difficult if we have experienced loss and trauma to get to a place of acceptance about our lives. But if we do not lean into the pain we’ve experienced, we risk past circumstances becoming the captain of our ships. If we have negative memories or associations as our primary feedback loop, they will have a mighty influence over the decisions we make on a daily basis.
One way to accomplish being the master of our fate is to develop our skills of mindfulness. Grounding ourselves in what is, while intentionally letting go of what will be, is a powerful practice to aid acceptance. When we experience the world from a perspective of abundance, instead of lack, it assists us in our decision-making. It allows us to make choices of where to work, who we love, and how we spend our time, out of love instead of fear.
Further, conscientiously experiencing a deep sense of gratitude will also allow us to let go of the need to control. Being in this state of gratitude and acceptance will always guide us to make better decisions.
4. Partner Well
“Adapt yourself to the life you have been given, and truly love the people with whom destiny has surrounded you.”-Marcus Aurelius
Why is it important to be intentional about being a good partner? In what ways does being a good partner guide us to better decision-making in relationships?
Life will require us to walk alongside many people. Whether in our occupations or personally. Many of us think that being a good person, with good intentions, should be enough to assist us in making good decisions for our relationships. Nevertheless, it’s a little more complicated than that.
Often, when we are interacting with someone important in our lives, we are trying to convince them of our viewpoint or defend ourselves. This approach misses opportunities for true association and intimacy to grow. A better mechanism for genuinely knowing someone is by getting curious about their point of view. Accordingly, the next step is to listen with the intent to understand, not respond. Doing these things will help us understand the person better. Everyone wants to feel seen and understood. Giving those things to the people we care about increases the chances we will gain this for ourselves.
The best partnerships between co-workers, romantic partners, or friends are when people feel free to be authentic. When we give ourselves that freedom, we give that same opportunity to others. Operating from this place guides us in better decision-making for our relationships. All parties will feel they are able to voice preferences that align with who they really are.
None of us were born knowing exactly how to best know ourselves, tolerate aloneness, accept life, or partner well. But following these 4 steps can be a guide to better decision-making in relationships.