Regardless of our attachment style, we can work on building healthy aspects in each of our relationships. Furthermore, understanding the attributes that contribute to the health and security of a secure relationship empowers us to make informed decisions regarding partners, friends, and the workplace.
In prior posts, we learned aboutattachment styles. Although not considered a clinical diagnosis, an attachment style refers to the way we relate to others in close relationships, such as romantic partners, friends, or family. We develop our attachment style based on our earliest experiences with caregivers and they influence our comfort level with closeness, how we deal with separation, and how we handle conflict. There are four styles, three are considered insecure. This article will focus on how individuals who have the fourth style, secure, act in healthy and secure relationship.
Overview of Insecure Attachment and Data on Styles
Anxiously attached/anxious preoccupied
= crave intimacy, but often seek love and validation from people who are more avoidantly attached. These love seekers cling to relationships, need extra validation, and deeply seek a secure relationship. Their path to healing is learning to stop self-abandoning.
Avoidantly attached/dismissive avoidant
= hyper-independent and uncomfortable with deep emotional connection and feel they do not need it. These individuals may come across as being capable of a secure relationship but then show traits that come across as cold or calculating. Severely avoidant attachers take a long time to trust a therapist when trying to heal.
Disorganized attachment/fearful avoidant
= like anxious attachers, there is a craving for closeness. But these individuals are afraid to accept love, so like avoidant attachers, they push it away. In order for this style to experience a secure relationship, they will need to face their deep insecurities.
Early research data slated about half of the US population as securely attached. However, researcher “Sara Konrath’s team at Indiana University analyzed nearly [100] studies, completed from 1988 to 2011, of college student attachment assessments and found the following – a 15 percent decrease in secure attachment, a 56 percent spike in dismissive attachment, and a nearly 18 percent increase in the fearful style”. It is known that insecure attachers have the most difficulty with maintaining robust connections and experience more isolation and depression. But, with awareness, therapeutic measures, and support, attachment styles can be very fluid. Learning the facets of how securely attached people behave will assist those who desire more secure relationships.
6 Hallmarks of a Secure Relationship
Although there are many attributes of goodness that assist warmth, trust, safety, and magic in a secure relationship, the following six are a good place to start. You can use this list to assess your current relationships. It will also be helpful when choosing new romantic partners, friendships, co-workers, or employers. As an adult, you are sovereign and able to choose the types of relationships you want to be in. Of course, there will be family obligations, or employment circumstances that are not ideal. We can only control what is within our power and knowledge to control. But use this list as a pulse check for measuring how much self-love and permission to be authentic you are allowing into your life. Part of developing a secure relationship is having the expectation that YOU DESERVE ONE.
Expectations are Expressed Often, Freely, and Taken Seriously
In a secure relationship, there is no walking on eggshells. There may be times when we are anxious or nervous when talking about something difficult. Especially if we have an insecure attachment and are working to heal it. But healthy interactions mean not being afraid to say what’s on our mind, because how we feel inside matters! Often in less secure relationships, one person is very afraid to speak their truth for fear of judgment, ridicule, anger, or abandonment. Whether with a partner, a parent, a co-worker, or a boss. You will know you are in a secure relationship when you are able to say hard things. These things may hurt, or make the other person feel defensive, ashamed, or afraid, but they will be encouraged to be said anyway. Because secure people are just as committed to your happiness and autonomy as you are.
A Strong Sense of Mutual Trust
With all relationships, there is conflict. Indeed, people who are securely attached expect problems because they have a deep knowing that good partnerships between humans will most likely experience a cycle of rupture and repair. However, it is a trademark difference that individuals with insecure attachments view strife as very anxiety-provoking and distressing. They lack trust in themselves and others, so when trying to tackle a problem, they often pit against each other. Whereas, when navigating discord in secure relationships, two people look at the problem as the problem, not each other. They freely express their feelings and fears and put their heads together to work toward a solution. Furthermore, because there is strong self-trust, as well as mutual trust, they take the time needed to cool off, ponder, and reconvene. There is no fire. There is trust neither person is going anywhere.
Fighting Fair
Those with insecure attachments have unprocessed trauma. The remnants of those experiences color the lens in which they see the world, self, and others. Therefore, when navigating relational circumstances or conflict, what starts as an argument about doing the dishes or taking out the trash takes on a deeper meaning. Whereas, in secure relationships, participants do their best to keep to the matter at hand. Secure individuals understand it is unfair to bring past traumas and projections from inner wounds into an argument. They recognize they should avoid, as much as possible, bringing into current adult conflict the desire to soothe sadness or trauma experienced in childhood or another traumatic situation. The steps to becoming a better fighter in a secure relationship include taking responsibility to process individual traumas, learning personal triggers, having courage to ask for what you need, and regulating your own nervous system.
Coregulation versus Codependence
Coregulation and codependence are both ways in which people interact in relationships. Although they sound similar, coregulation is a healthy way of relating and can be found in secure relationships. The beauty of coregulation, in whatever relational context, whether parent/child, employee/boss, partner/friend, is the support shown to the other person’s emotional regulation. It is a level of attunement that happens where each person adjusts to the other’s needs, providing comfort and reassurance without losing their sense of self. In contrast, codependence is a more dysfunctional pattern where one person’s sense of self-worth, their day-to-day emotional regulation, hopes, dreams, and future feel dependent on the other. This insecure attachment relating leads to unhealthy behaviors like enabling or controlling. It often results in one person’s needs being prioritized over the other. While coregulation fosters mutual growth and stability, codependence can be stifling and damaging to both individuals in the long run.
Taking Turns Being a Safe Base
In a secure relationship, participants serve as a safe base for each other, offering comfort, support, and understanding. They make a daily choice to be reliable and stable to the other. There is freedom of expression and an invitation to explore the world and individual pursuits. This sense of security allows all parties to take risks, pursue goals, and handle challenges because their nervous systems are not flared with worry about their relationship. Individuals in these relationships feel confident people they care about will be there for them in times of need. This honoring of the other’s sovereignty deepens the connection over time. As a safe base, each participant offers a secure emotional anchor, but does not try to swoop in and fix or prevent challenges for the other person. It allows the other to navigate life’s ups and downs, while maintaining a steady presence.
Expectations are Realistic
We have all had experiences of someone having unrealistic expectations of us. Whether it is a parent expecting a child to act or know things only a grown up would know. Or a boss expecting an employee to complete a project without enough time, support, or acknowledgement. A friend expecting too much time and attention. Or in a romantic partnership, relies on us to heavily, or wants to give too little. When we are in a secure relationship there is an understanding and an honoring of the others emotional needs. Sometimes those needs will conflict, or the relationship will need to change as the people within it grow and develop. Secure partnerships allow all iterations of individuals over time. There is a sense of choice and confidence that is not infringed upon. There is even an acceptance that sometimes relationships end.
Healed Secure
Luckily, cultivating a more secure attachment style as well as more as a secure relationship is entirely possible. Believing we deserve it and knowing what to look for are great first steps. When keeping these markers in mind, there is no need to be disparaging if there are changes that need to be made. Healing is a journey, not a destination. Going forward we can commit to taking action, wherever we can, to create a safer, more secure environment for ourselves and others.
