As we go through our daily lives with our families, coworkers, and significant others – do we experience emotional safety in our relationships? Sometimes it can be confusing what emotional safety looks like. There is generally a clearer understanding of physical safety in our communities. We know that physical injuries or threatening behavior mean something is not good for us. Suffering emotional harm can be more subtle and difficult to spot.
What is emotional safety?
Emotional safety is present in a relationship when people can act like their authentic self without fear of being judged or given harsh consequences. Communication is open and honest. Each person shows through their actions that they care about the other’s point of view. Of course, different relationships are going to have varying degrees of emotional safety. But overall, when a person feels they can be themselves, make mistakes, and show their flaws without criticism or abuse it means there is health in the relationship.
Why it is important
The degree of safety in our relationships affects our mental health in positive or negative ways. All humans have a basic need for connection and love. Indeed, the longest studies conducted on happiness have repeatedly shown the happiest people on the planet cultivate and maintain supportive relationships. Conversely, unhealthy relationships can cause severe and sometimes long-term consequences.
Emotional safety examples
What are the signs you are in an emotionally healthy relationship?
Here are 10 ways to know:
- There is a lot of listening. When someone cares about our well-being, they want to hear what we have to say. Being heard is an essential ingredient to fostering emotional safety.
- We feel comfortable being transparent. Everything from stating our opinion, which might be different from the other person, showing or discussing our true feelings, or admitting we are wrong.
- We are safe when the ones we love are nonjudgmental. When the people in our relationships allow us to be authentic on a consistent basis and don’t make us feel bad for the things we like, say, or do, there is emotional safety.
- There is acceptance. Although it is healthy to ask for the things we need from people we love, we shouldn’t be trying to change them all the time. Feeling accepted for our personalities and temperament is truly important.
- You will know when you are in an emotionally healthy relationship when the other person is intentional about the way they interact with you. They will actively take your feelings into account.
- Each person should be able to communicate and enforce healthy boundaries. It’s scary sometimes to tell someone they are hurting us, or that we would like some space from them. But in emotionally healthy relationships, people feel free to do so, even if they are uncomfortable.
- How much do they trust you? How much do you trust them? Trust is a pillar to the framework of safety. Developing it takes time, but each person should be interested in cultivating it.
- Giving the benefit of the doubt. Humans collect a lot of experiences over their lifetimes. Some good, some traumas. Our knee-jerk reaction is not always the most accurate or the most kind. But when we feel safe, it is easier to consistently try and give the benefit of the doubt.
- We all want to be validated and it is key to feeling safe with another person. One way to know if you are in an emotionally safe relationship is to observe if your experiences are believed, accepted and substantiated.
- You are able to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the highest form of feeling emotionally safe. It means you have experienced enough of the previous signs to be open completely. Even in doing so, you know you may be wounded. But you also know the other person has no ill intent and would never hurt you purposefully.
How to create emotional safety in a relationship
Besides the things above, there are 5 other ways you can create emotional safety in your relationships:
Be consistent
Keeping your word with people is a powerful way to show you care about them. Even with the little things – if you say you are going to do something, do your very best to follow through. If you are doing this consistently, people will understand when something comes up and they will know you are trying your best.
Work on your own emotional regulation
As we’ve already established we all have reactions to situations based on our past experiences, working on regulating our reactions to people we care about – by not projecting onto them, or displacing our own feelings, will go a long way in creating safety in relationships. Meditation, journaling, seeing a therapist, seeking out written resources, and exercise are all good ways to develop our emotional regulation.
Admit your mistakes
Saying you are sorry is just as hard as an adult as when you were a child. No one wants to disappoint others if we can help it. But admitting we have done wrong opens a wide space for others to also share when they have had a human moment, dropped the ball, and need to come clean.
Be an active, non-judgmental listener
So many of us are formulating thoughts while people are sharing theirs. We anticipate what we will say or how we can add to the conversation. Some of this is okay. But what if we cultivated more of a sense of curiosity? Even for people we have known for years. Even for people we talk to every day. And what if we also dedicated ourselves to listening without passing judgment?
Work on our own unhealthy beliefs
Doing our own inner work is one of the most important things we can do for every aspect of our life. Taking the time to develop radical self-love and acceptance for all that is beautiful and challenging about ourselves cannot help but foster emotional safety in our relationships with others.
What if I don’t feel safe?
If you feel you are constantly walking on eggshells, anxious, or afraid to show your true feelings – these are signs you might feel unsafe in a relationship. The first step is to try and communicate with the person. Tell them how you feel.
It helps to use “I” statements. Example:
“I want to talk to you about some feelings I am having. It hurts me when it feels like you’re not listening. I want to feel close to you. Can we work on this?”
It helps to avoid “you” statements. Example:
“You always do this.” Or “you don’t care about me.”
If you have tried your best to express your feelings in a healthy way and it seems the person is not listening, over time, this can erode your mental health and cause a host of problems. It is important for your emotional well-being to seek assistance. Although you may be nervous, please know there are people who can help. A licensed therapist can help you navigate why you are feeling unsafe, what led up to the circumstances you are now experiencing, and how to chart next steps. There are also books, podcasts, and articles to read while you arrange for a consultation.
Everyone deserves emotional safety
Life can sometimes feel like a long road. Developing our mental health is crucial for everyday peace and well-being. Assuring that we are in loving, emotionally safe relationships can help the journey to be much brighter. It can also be instrumental in helping us when things get bumpy along the way. Many people stay in unsafe relationships because they learn those dynamics from their family. They might learn to blame themselves when things feel tense, or when they are not being treated appropriately. But if you recognize elements of unsafety in your relationships, talking to a therapist can help you tease out what is your responsibility versus what is an unhealthy dynamic. Therapy can also teach you steps to make positive change. Everyone deserves the stability of emotional safety in their relationships.