Happiness. It’s something we all seek. For many of us, we would describe feeling happy when we experience positive emotions such as joy, ease, and low stress. Yet, how fleeting those moments are! Meanwhile, most days find us facing more difficult sensations. Fear, disappointment, rejection, loneliness, and many other types of pain. There may be times we feel its impossible to have deep, authentic happiness while also navigating difficult emotions. But what if on the other side of chasing elusive moments, we could find feelings of peace and freedom we never imagined? Becoming emotionally agile can help us do that.    

 

What is Emotional Agility?

A term pioneered by Harvard Medical psychologist Susan David Ph.D. – being emotionally agile is “the ability to be with our thoughts, emotions, and our stories which are healthy. [And] be with those inner experiences in a way that helps us live lives that are value-congruent”. In short, it means:

  •         Learning what is important to us.
  •         Recognizing and labeling what we feel – the good, bad, and the ugly.
  •         Accepting all emotions that bubble up – not just the pretty ones.
  •         Cultivating the skill of not being ashamed.
  •         Finally, being curious and open about what our emotions are trying to tell us.

 

How being emotionally agile helps us live our values

When living in a value-congruent way – it means figuring out what is most important to us and living a life that honors that. Are there times you wish you could decline an invitation to an event or a request for your assistance? Have you often wanted to be more courageous and speak what is on your mind? The reason most of us struggle with these types of situations is somewhere along the way we were taught to stifle our emotions. Maybe our caregivers told us to “stop crying” when we were sad or to “be nice” when we were angry. When we mislabel emotions and not acknowledge them, it causes unhappiness. There is a better way.

 

Emotional Pyramid of Needs

There can be no change without acceptance, and there can be no discovery without curiosity. In order to cultivate emotional agility there are essential steps we can take to meet our emotions and learn from them. David describes an Emotional Pyramid of Needs we all have. By nurturing and tending to each of the seven levels, it can help us become powerful advocates for our own happiness. Moreover, it can help us show up in our lives with more love and compassion for others. Indeed, living this way is key to unlocking an overall sense of peace no matter what situations life brings us.

 

1)    Gentle Acceptance

For many of us, our daily self-talk and judgment of our own feelings can be quite harsh. Particularly allowing ourselves to feel anger or sadness. We label such dangerous or bad. What if instead of assigning a feeling as acceptable or unacceptable, we noted them as a point of data? Asked ourselves lovingly – what is this emotion trying to convey to me? Explore the communication YOU are trying to have with yourself. How beautiful and productive that kind of inner dialouge could be.

 

2)    Compassion

Becoming an adult for some of us meant getting caught up in an illusion of perfection. Always comparing ourselves today to the future selves we think we should be. When we do this, it erodes our joy in the present moment. Whereas, individuals who are emotionally agile know failures are important learning moments. Risks are scary, but they aren’t afraid to take them because they won’t judge themselves for trying. Consequently, they are less likely to judge others. They let go of perfectionism because it’s not a real thing in the first place.

 

3)    Routine

Our bodies and minds are connected. We can better develop emotional egility by eating food that nourishes us. Incorporating movement into our life. And by getting enough sleep. Paying attention to our physical body is just as important as practicing mental exercises in producing a happy state.

 

4)    Connection

Connecting with other humans is a biological need and relationships take work. Taking steps to find community and putting effort into our relationships give us ample opportunity to stretch our muscles of emotional agility.

 

5)    Courage

Having the courage to feel what we are feeling means we are showing up for ourselves and others in an authentic way. To be a person who is emotionally agile might mean surrendering to different emotions. Perhaps grief that can overtake us at the most inopportune moment. Or admitting to our partner we are afraid of something happening in the relationship. Maybe it means feeling remorse for losing our temper with our children. Then expressing such feelings and apologizing. All emotions, when accepted, can teach us lessons that can improve our lives.

 

6)    Reset

We all deserve the opportunity to redefine who we are and what we believe. Being emotionally agile is releasing ourselves from rigid ways of thinking or being. It’s knowing you are free to choose your values each day. Having the courage to face how you feel. These acts and habits can transform the way we experience life.

 

7)    Wisdom

Lastly, most of us know, the only constant is change. All things pass away. Instead of attempting to control external forces or our own inner worlds, being emotionally agile teaches us we need not expend that energy. When we accept all the emotions life brings us without judgment or fear, it allows us to experience the full measure of our existence.  

 

To Understand and to Love

Each of us is messy. Life is difficult. And yet still, it is sublime. Offer yourself the invitation to stop beating yourself up! Developing skills of being emotionally agile can lessen the suffering and anxiety of trying to live up to some standard of happiness that does not exist. Instead, practicing being softer with yourself, getting curious about your emotions, and cultivating acceptance is the true path to feeling happier each day.